I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
