You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
