god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
