i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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