Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
