Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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