That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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