in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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