Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
