I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That accounts for only three of the penises
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
