Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
