yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
