4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
