I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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