I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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