Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
where does the pee come out of this thing
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
