check it out our google latitudes are spooning
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
