Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
