Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
