Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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