god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
