So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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