This is not my ceiling
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
