my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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