he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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