remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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