I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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