I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
