Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
