Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
