I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
