I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
