I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
