y did u give ur computer a hand job?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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