I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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