The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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