I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
