just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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