he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
