When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
