god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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