So drunk its hurt
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Still dying that you shit outside
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
