why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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