the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
