I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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