so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
