Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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