And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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