I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
