There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
