I faked an abortion last night.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
