your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
